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Hula “Dancers”: ANTM (S13: E12)

Posted by CJ Cregg on November 15, 2009

America's Next Top Model

Learning to break it down in hip hop hula.

Sorry for the late post, I was in Chicago at a conference.  Honing my critical skills actually.  Better to bring you snark and reviews with, my dears.

The girls meet some hula dancers.  They’re supposed to tell stories of their lives using traditional and modernized (hip hop) hula dance.  Wow Nicole is awkward.  Erin the cheerleader is emerging as the frontrunner, and it’s really pissing the other girls off because she condescendingly tries to teach them to dance.  During their performance, Erin was fine, but she didn’t seem that much better than the rest.  (Jennifer: I bet Laura gets freaky at da club.  Cuz she has some hips and she knows how to use ’em.)  Nicole was a disaster.  It’s one thing to be a bad dancer, but seriously it was like she wasn’t even trying or wasn’t even there when they were learning.  She was backwards when she was supposed to be forwards and turned to the left when she was supposed to go right.  Nice to know our clear frontrunner for the competition has a weakness.  And a hilarious one to boot.  LAURA WINS!  (She drops to her knees and says ‘thank you Jesus!’)  She wins a five day trip back to Hawaii for sun and spa.  Erin’s PISSED because she was all helpful, and she didn’t win.  My money’s on her getting all angry and up in her head so she’ll collapse in the photo shoot.  Cuz you know, she’s done that the last 3 weeks in a row.  And her face always looks angry in all her pictures anyway, so this won’t help.

For their photo shoot, the girls are dressing like the Hawaiian volcano goddess with the waves crashing in the background.  They learn two girls are going home.  Duh duh DUH!  Erin pretty much knows she’s toast at this point.  Jennifer’s catching fish in her mouth she let her jaw drop so far.  Attractive, Jennifer.

They don’t really look like goddesses.  They look like girls in beach gear.  Also, no crashing waves.  Standing on rocks.  Lame last photo shoot, Tyra.  Jennifer did not have a great shoot.  (Which is lame cuz I like her, although I think she and Erin are the weakest.)  Nicole rocked it and nailed just about every picture.  Good thing cuz the girl can’t dance.  She’s definitely safe.  Laura freaked out because of the pressure so she didn’t have a great shoot either.  (Mr. J: Did you drink last night?  It looked a little boozy.)  Erin looked angry so she said she started thinking of a pop song “that all the teenagers listen to.”  (Said as if she’s not actually a teenager…)  Tyra cues another horrible autotuned song to play in the background to mimic what’s happening in Erin’s head.

After the Tyra mail saying they’ll meet with the judges and only two of them will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s next top model, Laura says “there’ll be a lot of praying tonight.”

In other news, Jennifer’s crazy eye is looking especially crazy in her interview shots.

Tyra tells the girls at judging that the top two will be walking in a Julia Clancy fashion show as their final challenge.  (Why is the final challenge always a runway show?  They never practice runway on the show and most of them can’t walk and just end up embarrassing themselves.)

Erin looked creepy and pale, but the judges liked her picture.  Her face looked totally dead to me.  She’s dead to me.

America's Next Top Model

At least she's pointing her toes, but I don't think Hawaiian goddesses are this pale.

Jennifer’s picture was pretty, but she looked a bit stiff.  On second viewing, really really stiff.

America's Next Top Model

Catching fish in the mouth again

Laura looks a mess during the judging.  White t-shirt and shorts?  Does she think she’s on the farm?  She looks terrified in her photo, but the judges are right that she has a lot of different faces to work with.

America's Next Top Model

Kinda looks like she's about to do some squats

Nicole’s picture was unique, tender, and mysterious.  Definitely my favorite photo of the week.

America's Next Top Model

A demure goddess

Best picture?  Nicole hands down.  I think Nicole and Laura are our final two.

What is with these tapered pants Tyra has been wearing all season?  She looks a fool. Today, she’s wearing what looks like an 80s jump suit of long underwear material.

Nicole is our first finalist (who called it?)  Guess it doesn’t matter that she can’t hula her way out of a paper bag.  Laura is our second finalist.  (Again, I’m good.)  I’m sad to see Jennifer go.  I really liked her.  Crazy eye and all.

Next week, Nicole and Laura will compete to see who is America’s Next Top Tiny Model.  Be there or be actually having good taste in television.


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