Two Guys, a Girl and a TV Set

Three college friends out in the world, filling the void with television…and loving it.

Posts Tagged ‘ANTM’

Edgy Queens, CoverGirls, and Circus Freaks: ANTM (S14: E10)

Posted by CJ Cregg on May 13, 2010

Grimace called. He wants his jumpsuit back.

I’ve been slacking on blogging about Tyra’s crazy antics.  So, let’s review.  Tyra’s crazy.  Oh, and Alasia and Jessica have been sent home since we last discussed.  Four girls remain, Raina, Angelea, Krista, and Alexandra.  WHO will be eliminated TONIGHT?  [Wanna be on top?  On tooooooop…On tooooooop].  Will anyone be able to stop Krista?  We’ll find out, but my money’s on “nope”.

The girls head to the airport to go to Queenstown for their next photoshoot.  The Jays tell the models they have to be ready to work it at anytime.  So, they have a runway show in the air on the plane where they have to show their personality.  That sounds safe.  Well done, Tyra.  What happened to in the case of unexpected turbulence keep seat belts fastened while seated?  Also, sucks for the other people on the plane.  Angelea forgot a shoe, so she has to walk in one heel.  She also makes a total mockery of the challenge.  [Come on Angelea, mocking ANTM is my job.]  Krista wins.  The other girls glare daggers into the back of her head.

Once they land in GORGEOUS Queenstown, they have a photoshoot.  The girls will be in extreme hair and makeup to make them ugly, so they have to bring the pretty into the ugly.  Mr. Jay says that two of them will go home.  Angelea: That is some drama fo’ yo’ ass.

The girls all look so weird.  Victorian corsets and black lipstick.  Based on Mr. Jay’s feedback, Angelea and Raina seem to be in jeopardy after the photoshoot.

Time for judging.  Tyra’s in a bodysuit.  Shocker.

Raina did get a decent shot.

Ugly-Pretty Raina

Angelea’s picture SUCKED.  The judges seemed to like it, but they are messed up.  This picture is AWFUL.

Just plain ugly

Krista’s picture is great.  No surprises.

Ugly-Pretty Krista

Alexandra also had a good picture.

Sinister Alexandra

So who has to pack their bags and go home?  Well, not Krista that’s for damn sure.  Raina is the other girl the judges choose for the final runway show.  Alexandra and Angelea will be packing their bags and going home.  (I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that I predicted 2 of the 3 final 3 correctly.)

Krista and Raina get ready for their Covergirl commercials.  Krista blanks out on her lines during the shoot and has to use the cue cards, but she does get the performance.  Raina didn’t have the spark, and didn’t seem to be able to model and talk at the same time.

This doesn’t seem like a CoverGirl add to me.  Just saying.  Most CoverGirls look…happier?

Krista's CoverGirl shot

Raina’s picture is gorgeous in my opinion.

Now THIS is what a CoverGirl looks like

When the girls get back, Tyra tells them their families are there.  She wants to do a family portrait.  Weird.

The girls will be in an Anna Sui fashion show at the art museum.  Alasia, Jessica, Angelea, and Alexandra will be back in the show.  How stupid.  They didn’t earn it.  Krista has a great runway walk.  Raina doesn’t have nearly the walk that Krista does, so I’m pretty certain Krista’s gonna win.  The show is really fun and flirty, with a circus theme.

Stomping to the death

Oh shoooooot, Krista wasn’t smizing in her Covergirl shoot.

So who’s it gonna be?  America’s Next Top Model Is…


(As if we didn’t see that coming.)

Oh well.  ANTM is one show that never disappoints.  At least not as long as Tyra’s craziness exponentially grows each season.  And I don’t see an end to the craziness in sight.  See you next cycle!


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Hair today, Gone tomorrow: ANTM (S14: E7)

Posted by CJ Cregg on April 23, 2010

So, in the theme song for this season, Tyra plays with mirrors.  Because one Tyra isn’t enough.   Let’s use reflections to make 7 or 8 Tyras.  God help us all.

I can’t get over how ugly Angelea is.  She is not a pretty girl.

Case in point-ugly girl

Alasia is the youngest girl in the house.  Wow.  Neeeeeeeeever would have figured that out.

Whitney Port is taking the girls out and teaching them about personalities.  (Gurrrrrl, you’re fighting a losing battle.  Most of these girls don’t have personalities, and the ones that do suck.  Like suuuuuuuuck.)  They end up at a drag bar.  Angelea feels right at home.  Tyra Banks the drag queen is awesome.  (Also, he/she isn’t wearing a jumpsuit, which makes her way better than the real Tyra.)

Rhetoric question from the commercials: Who actually refers to their armpits as underarms?

The reason they’re at the drag bar is to do a “runway show with personality.”  The audience will vote on their favorite girl.  When the time to vote comes, Anslee gets not a single clap or hoot.  Turns out ice queen is not what people want to see.  The audience votes for Krista as the winner.  The show would have been funner to watch if the runway was stomped by drag queens.  Anslee says she stayed true to herself.  Which I agree with.  Stern, unpleasant, and boring is her personality.

As the girls get ready for the photo shoot, Alasia is late again.  And the models leave her.  She knocks on the door of the elevator to convince it to open for her.  Right.  Cuz elevators work like that. But  the top model limo didn’t leave without her.  Lame.   And lucky Alasia.

For their photo shoot, they’ll be wearing outfits made out of hair.  Gross.  They look like dogs.  Or carpets.  Krista was working it.  Alexandra and Alasia both floundered hardcore.  Like hairy fish out of water.

Tyra looks like a chocolate bar in that brown jumpsuit.  A ‘shepherd’ walks in with some sheep after the judges complain about being insomniacs.  Fuzzy clouds come down and the judges ‘catch Zs’ from them.  Obviously, they’re going to Zambia for their trip.  Or wait.  Zaire.  Definitely Zaire.  Er, Zimbabwe.  Has to be Zimbabwe.

Catching Zs

The girls found out that the final 6 girls are going to New Zealand.  Could that have been a crazier sequence?  Also, what?

But who gets to go to the NZ?  And who has to immediately return to their apartment, pack their bags, and go home?

The judges like Jessica’s picture.

Hairy Jessica

Tyra raves about how good Krista’s film is because she didn’t forget her face.

Hairy Krista works her angles

Anslee looked a bit stiff, and Tyra said she didn’t take enough risks.

Awkward, hairy, Anslee

The judges liked Alasia’s picture, but Tyra says she was stuck in her poses.

Hairy Alasia

Alexandra also looked awkward.  Like a ballet dancer in a hair tutu.

Hairy Ballerina

The judges liked Angelea’s picture, but I thought it was craaaaaaaaazy.  Talk about a hairy situation in a bad way.

Raina rocked it as per usual.

So who worked the hair?  Best picture of the week gets to fly first class on the 22 hour flight to New Zealand.  Krista wins.  Wrong call judges, Raina was better.  The bottom two are Alexandra and Anslee, which means annoying Alasia gets to go to New Zealand.  I’m just happy I don’t have to sit on a plane with her for 22 hours.

This week's real best picture

Alexandra gets another chance, meaning Anslee is going home!  YES!  We don’t have to listen to her talk about doing this for “her child” anymore.

Let’s see how many of the locals Tyra can offend in New Zealand.

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Let’s Hear it for New York: ANTM (S14: E6)

Posted by CJ Cregg on April 20, 2010

Wannabes at the party

A house divided cannot stand.  (Er, a house full of models cannot stand?  Ever?)  We have 2 cliques: Krista, Alasia, Anslee, and Angelea (aka, the people I don’t like), and Jessica, Raina, and Brenda (the people I mostly like).  Apparently Alasia takes too long of showers and made them all late.

For their challenge, the girls meet Ann Shokett of Seventeen who teaches them to dress for their proportions.  They have to dress their body type (and how do you dress that nose, Ms. Shokett?  Wow.  That was mean even for me.)  Turns out most of them don’t know what their body type is.  And then they get to keep their clothes.  Yay.

Angelea flips out that Brenda calls her uneducated.  She went to the best community college in Buffalo. So clearly that she ain’t uneducated.

The girls get an invite to celebrate Tinsley Mortimer’s new handbag line at a launch party.  (Cross promotion much,

Nicole looking perfectly diminutive

CW?)  She’ll be judging their style and personality.  For all her big mouth, Alasia freezes up at the party because she doesn’t know what say to industry types.  Tinsley quizzes them on their favorite designers and styles.  The challenge winner is Jessica and she gets to be in a Seventeen photo shoot.  Jessica’s on a roll.

What do we learn when the girls get back to the house?  Tyra should soundproof the little confessional room where the girls go to whine to the camera.

For their photoshoot, the girls will do their first Covergirl shoot in the subway.  (Tyra, did you shut down Grand Central station so you could do your little photoshoot?)  Nicole, last cycle’s winner, tells the girls to stay classy.  Guuuuurl, these wannabes don’t know what class is.

The girls are dressed as New York women.

Krista is an aspiring actress.


Anslee is an artist.

Smirking Anslee

Alexandra is the Upper East Sider.

Nevermind that this type of woman would never be on the subway in the first place

Raina is the East Village rockabilly.  But she lost her neck in the photoshoot.

Jessica is a club girl.  But she can’t stand up in the train.

Lost, drunk, high?

Angelea is a fashionista.  Mr. Jay says she was poised and confident.

Brenda is supposed to be a student.  (Oh.My.Gawd. Tyra, students do not dress like that.)

Alasia is a model.  Except she’s not being pretty.  At all.  Mr. Jay says she didn’t get a single good shot because she wasn’t taking it seriously.

Alasia's pic is awful

Tyra is wearing another jumpsuit when the girls show up to judging.  One of the judges says Jessica’s shoes are skanky.  And the judges didn’t like her photo.  Turns out she can do wrong.  Brenda looked like a mannequin.  And not in a good way.  The judges loved Anslee’s picture.  And it was good.  Nigel loves Alexandra’s picture and says its her best shot to date.  This was Angelea’s best picture ever.  Probably because she didn’t look like herself and her face didn’t look like a horse’s face.

Tyra mimics bouncing around on a subway when the judges have reached their decision.  Cray cray.

Best picture of the week?  Angelea. (BOOOOOOOOOO!)

Pretty picture of an awful girl

Second best? Krista.  Brenda and Alasia are in the bottom two.  Tyra says Alasia has the gift of dance.  (Um, what?)  Alasia gets to stay provided she embrace that gift.  She does this stupid fist pump crying thing.  Which means the crew of nice girls in the house is dwindling fast.

Brenda probably should go home for this awful pic

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Faking It: ANTM (S14: E5)

Posted by CJ Cregg on April 8, 2010

Seducing him??

This time, we start the episode with tears.  Anslee misses her baby, blah blah blah.  I swear we should certify people before they can become parents.

Tyra (via TyraMail of course) tells our models they’re going to learn about chemistry.  When they get to the challenge, Ms. Jay tells them they’re going to work with a male model and practice breaking the ice.  The male model turns out to be Nigel.  Angelea dances for him.  Wow. As if she were on a pole. Jessica puts on a frat boy show, oozing all over Nigel.  So awkward to watch.  She starts to undress him.  Make it stop.  Like, now.  Please.  (Tyra, I don’t like it when you make me beg.)

Next, they meet Ann from Seventeen who tells them Nigel will be shooting them in a photoshoot challenge with comedian Ross Matthews.  They have to make the (lack of) chemistry believable.  But heaven forbid this be a normal photoshoot so the girls have to wear skimpy lingerie.  Most of these girls have no idea what it means to look sexy.  Despite her inability to have a conversation with Nigel, Jessica is our winner this week.  Anslee fumes because ‘she had a real connection to this random comedian.’  Can we get rid of her?  Now?  Please?  Tyra pleeeeeease?  (Again with the begging.  Poor form, Tyra.)

For the photoshoot, the girls will be in ‘fake everything’ to raise awareness for the money the fashion industry loses due to knockoff products.  They look craaaaaazy.

Tatianna sucked it up.  Raina once again smartly worked with her makeup and outfit.  I like her.  A sensible Minnesota girl.  Jessica also really rocked it.  Anslee really had no idea what was going on.  But she thought she did great, as per usual.  Alexandra is having a severe crisis of confidence.

The judges like Krista’s picture.

Fake Krista

They think Alexandra could have done a lot better.

Unfortunately, the judges also like Anslee’s picture a lot.

Fake Anslee

The judges LOVE Angelea’s picture.

Fake Angelea

Jessica’s picture was full of energy.

Fake Jessica

The judges also really like Alasia’s picture.

Fake Alasia (erm, like always)

The best photo this week was Jessica.  Runner up was Angelea.  Tatianna and Alexandra are in the bottom two.  Alexandra squeaks by, making Tatianna this week’s casualty.  (Good, I like her way better than Tatianna.)

Fake Tatianna for the loss

Crazy things Tyra did in this episode:

  • Wore another jump suit–this time with huge 80s lapels.
  • Talked about herself ad nauseum when introducing the judges
  • Spoke French really terribly (pretty sure she was making up words)

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Vamping it Up: ANTM (S14: E4)

Posted by CJ Cregg on April 4, 2010

Anslee flashes a cheesy smile

Spring Break took me away from my blogging duties for awhile, but I have returned and promptly sealed my brain-rotting break with last week’s episode of top model.

The girls join the Upright Citizens Brigade for some improv.  They suck.

Tyra decides Brenda’s ‘edgy’ haircut makes her look like the soccer mom that she is.  So she has someone recut it even shorter.  Bahahaha.  Take that, Brenda!

For this week’s challenge, the ladies do a 30 second live commercial broadcast on the jumbotron of Time Square.  They look like stereotypical model-idiots waving bottles of CoverGirl foundation all over and flashing their denture commercial smiles.  Tatianna wins for doing a hair flip.  Which is different.  And significantly less boring than all the others girl were.

Anslee and Alasia get into it because Alasia called her a bad mom.  There are a lot of stupid bitches in this group, but Alasia is the common denominator.  EVERY fight includes her.

For their photo shoot, the girls are vampires with a big tub of blood.  But that would be too normal for Tyra.  So she gives them whiteout contacts that totally obscure their vision.  Cuz blood and fangs is never enough.  Brenda whines because she’s never put anything in her eye before and can’t get the contacts in.  All the girls did decently in their photo shoot.

First of all, ANOTHER jump suit, Tyra?  Seriously?  What are you doing?

Alasia won for the second week in a row for best picture:

Alasia looks skanky, IMHO

I think Raina’s picture was the best, for the second week in a row.  (Stop rigging it so the black girls win, Tyra!)

Raina is the REAL best picture this week

Anslee and Simone are in the bottom two for not being able to push through their photos.  Simone gets eliminated.  (NOOOOOOO I HATE ANSLEE!)  Also, that marks the first of my predictions to be eliminated.  One week after I made the predictions.  Go me.

Simone's losing picture lacked intensity

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Just Dance: ANTM (S14: E3)

Posted by CJ Cregg on March 25, 2010

This is NOT a picture of Tyra. Sorry, Tyra

Wow.  The credit sequence and opening song for this season is SOOOO Tyra-tastic.  The top model wanna-bes are hardly even in it.  All Tyra all the time.  She is soooooo self-involved.

Ren tells us that modeling is her mom’s dream for her.  Ah yes.  Now we know why she doesn’t want to be here and doesn’t care at all.  She’s not an All-American girl.  Whine whine whine.  She says she doesn’t want all the drama, and she ‘didn’t know that this was how it was gonna be.’  Um, seriously?  Like, have you ever seen this show before?  Simone is this season’s girl who dumped 45K in tuition to come be on top model, when she ain’t gonna win anyway.  Clearly she wasn’t cut out for smart if she thinks dropping out for Top Model is a good idea.

Toccarra (of season 1233250981!1 fame (what?  I don’t remember)) tells the girls they’re all contestants on Tyra’s cracked-out Fab Bus.  They have to answer questions about fashion.  The winners get a go-see for  Toccarra needs to learn to read cue cards without sounding like she’s speaking to preschoolers.  And Tyra needs to stop with the game show kitsch “MEGA FIERCE!” flashes across the screen in huge pink letters.  Why they have to be on a bus to play this game, I have no idea.  The questions are about fashion photographers, models, and of course, Tyra herself.

The winning team goes to a bluefly go see, and only one of them will be featured on  Simone wins!  Jessica-the-anorexic-toothpick says she’s too pageanty.  Yah?  Well, Jessica, you have knobby knees.  Losers have to unpack stuff and do inventory.  Working for the Tyra-machine.  Bummer.

Photo shoot time.  They will be inspired by dance.  They each have to portray a different dance genre.  Can’t wait to see Angelea.  She may be the least graceful person I’ve ever seen.  Jessica looked like the whitest white girl trying to do salsa.  It was dreadful.  Luckily, Angelea was assigned moshing, so she didn’t have to be graceful.  Alexandra rocked her breakdance shoot.  Brenda did not do well again.  They assigned her African dance.  Hilar.  Krista was also nothing graceful.  Simone also couldn’t rock hip hop.  Alasia rocked interpretive dance.  Obviously cuz she got to move slowly and be overdramatic.

Jessica’s picture wasn’t half bad.  The judges loved Raina again.  Tatianna’s photo was beautiful but pure luck.  Alasia shows up to judging in a swimsuit under a jacket.  But her ‘photo was as good as her outfit was bad.’  Alexandra’s picture was also stunning.  Ren’s picture was horrible.  Absolutely awkward.  Tyra asks her point blank.  In or out?  Ren says she wants to stay.  But her picture was so bad that she doesn’t deserve to stay.

OMG.  TYRA!  What is with the peach colored sci-fi body suit?  Why does she always wear body suits?


Best picture of the week is Alasia.  I have to admit I don’t see what the judges see in this picture.

Interpretive Dancing?

My favorite picture of the week was Alexandra’s.

Alexandra breakdances

In our bottom two we have Brenda and Ren.  Could Brenda look any more matronly?  Ren says she’s doing this for her mom and she just wants her mom to love her.  Tyra psychoanalyzes her for awhile.  But then says Brenda was going to get the picture anyway.  Tyra says Ren should go talk to her mom and tell her how this made her feel.  Awesome advice, Tyra.

This is in the running for worst top model photo in history

Ain't nothing African about Brenda

Here are my predictions for the top 3:




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In the Nude: ANTM (S14: E2)

Posted by CJ Cregg on March 19, 2010

[Get it, like ‘In the Mood’?]

WHO will be eliminated TONIGHT?  Nah nah nah nah nah nah!  Our 13 finalists are kicking it in  New York  hoping to join the Top Model network.

Their first photo shoot will feature them selling one item of clothing.  And only one.  And that’s all they wear.  Most of the girls did OK, except for Gabrielle, who has sleepy eyes.  No smizing here.  Alasia also was a big flop.  Krista also couldn’t get anything going in her eyes.  And dead eyes are a death knell in top model.

They flew through the photo shoot.  And now its time for judging.  There is a massive silence when the judges see Gabrielle’s picture.  (Chirp chirp)  That ain’t a good thing.  Jessica was also one of the judges’ faves.  The judges hate Alasia’s picture.  Cue waterworks.  Of course, they are laughing at her, so that’s a bit mean.  She did look ridiculous in her picture, though.

Um, yah, that's backwards, Alasia...

So who has the best picture this week to be displayed in their home as digital art?  Jessica!  Our runner-up for best photo is Angelea.  Tyra hands out some pictures.  There are huge, heaving, relieved sighs.  Blah blah blah.  You know the drill.

Jessica's best picture of the week

Alasia and Gabrielle find themselves in the bottom two.  Cuz their pictures sucked.  Alasia remains.  Cuz she’s the drama in the house.  Gabrielle is the first casualty of cycle 14.  And justifiably so.  She looks TERRIFIED in her picture.  And not in a cute, coy way.

Scared, Gabrielle?

But we still have half an episode to go.  So there must be a challenge.

Naduah starts spinning tales about being approached to model for Playboy and being homeless.  Raina ain’t buying it.

The remaining 12 go to an old house for some runway training with Ms. J.  They learn how to take a coat off while walking.  While learning about pacing, they cross the busy New York street while everyone else creeps from the window.  [LOVE the Man on the Street interviews they did while the girls were walking, though.  “It’s like 20 degrees outside.  Those girls need to put some clothes on.”]

Elegant Brenda

Then its time for their first runway challenge for fashion designer Rachel Roy.  Craziest runway ever?  There are pendulums swinging and they have to keep perfect timing.  Simone gets hit on her first pass down the runway.  Krista and Jessica also have to do some quick maneuvering to avoid getting hit.  Alexandra falls down the stairs, pulled it together, and then got hit by the pendulum and got KNOCKED OFF THE RUNWAY.  Trainwreck.

Brenda wins the challenge.

Alasia has another screaming meltdown in the house.  I don’t even know who she’s fighting with, but its out of control.  What the heck is her problem?  And why for pete’s sake hasn’t she lost her voice from screaming so much?

In this 90-minute episode, the girls do another photo shoot, this time for a fragrance where they deal with rain and wind.  Alasia sucks again.  She looks like a drowned rat.  Naduah also looked awkward.  Mr. Jay says Raina was his favorite of the day.

Ren says she is unwilling to give up her sanity for modeling tearfully.  She’s cracking under the pressure, despite being one of the best girls.

So now we’re back at judging.  Wow.  Tyra has to give the same ‘you know our judges’ speech TWICE in ONE episode?  That’s insane.  [Clearly they just slapped two episodes together into one 90-minute episode.]  The judges don’t like Brenda’s picture.  They do like Krista’s, though.  They don’t like Angelea’s either.  So it seems like the ranks have yet to stabilize.  The girls are all still all over the place.  Raina’s is definitely the best picture in this photo shoot.

Raina’s picture is the best photo of the bunch and will be displayed in their home as digital art.  (We hear Tyra awkwardly enunciate ‘digital art’ TWICE in one episode.  Lucky us.)

Raina isn't joking around

Ren and Naduah are in the bottom two.  Naduah because she’s trying to do classic poses instead of embracing her ‘edgy self’, and Ren because she got all whiny and made excuses at the photo shoot.  I anticipated both of them sticking around for longer, but I hope Naduah goes home.  Ren does get to stay, which makes Alasia burst into tears.  But I’m not sure she really wants to be here.

Naduah is conventional and headed home

Next week I’ll drop my predictions.  Need to get to know the girls a bit more before I decide who my top 3 will be.

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Finding your Social Net-Walk: Cycle 14 is Here!

Posted by CJ Cregg on March 10, 2010

The final 13 for cycle 14

32 model-wannabes are in LA for the semifinals of cycle 14 of America’s Next Top Model.  Oh Tyra, how I’ve missed thee.  The schtick this season is social networking.  (“I have 32 friend requests? I better videochat Mr. and Ms. J.”  GROAN.)

My ears are not used to all of this high-pitched screaming again.  I need a moment.

OK.  I’m good.

The girls’ first task is to create their social networking page.  They need a profile picture of course.

Angelea from Buffalo from Cycle 12 is back.  (Remember?  “I caaaaain’t go back to Buffalo.  I caaaaaaain’t.”  And yet she did.)

The second task is to get screened for ‘social net-walking.’  Who can work a runway and who can’t?

Then, the girls get to meet Tyra in their one-on-ones with the judges.

We meet Raina, the MN girl with the huge eyebrows.

Angelea ain't in Buffalo anymore

And Jessica, the teen parent, who got married at age 16 after getting knocked up and kicked out of her Arkansas church.

And Tatianna, the volunteer mortician.  Shudder.

And Naduah whose parents belonged to a sex-crazed cult.

And Alexandra, the size-10 gorgeous plus-size girl.

12 friend requests have been declined at this point in the competition.  The girls check to see if their friend requests are still pending.  If they’ve been denied, they’re on their way home.  They sent the beautiful Pakistani girl home!  Boooo!

The remaining 20 girls get one last chance to seal their fate by doing a self-styled photo shoot.  They have to pretend to be famous super models.  Turns out some of these girls don’t know anything about super models.

Whoah, Tyra, what’s with the jacket with the shoulder fringies?  She tells the girls that she and the J’s and her could only agree on 12 girls, instead of 14.  Here are our final 12:

The MN Girl, Raina rocks her pleather

Naduah-exotic cult-girl

Jessica-teen mom


Raina-MN girl

Tatianna-morgue girl

Alexandra-plus-size beauty

Krista-24.  Grandma!

Brenda-rocking red hair

Alaisa-someone shut her up, please

Anslee-23 year old mom

Gabrielle-no idea who she is

Angelea-We so knew that was going to happen.

Tyra tells the girls that they’re going to find a 13th girl when they get to NYC, where this season will happen.  When the girls get to NYC, they meet Perez Hilton.  Tyra tells them they found Ren to be #13.  She’s a self-described ‘free spirit.’  Barf.

The girls get ‘tie over’ makeovers to make themselves fierce.  Brenda hates her new short do.  There are tears.  The girls then move into the NYC loft, and Anslee and Angelea are already bumping heads.  There is massive screaming in the house already, and Angelea and Alasia are at the center.

Next week? Nude photo shoot.  Bring it on.

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America’s Next Top Model is: ANTM (S13: E13)

Posted by CJ Cregg on November 20, 2009

Down to two!  I’m happy with Laura and Nicole as the final two.  They were definitely the best of the bunch I think.  I’m rooting for Nicole.  Laura and Nicole, our petite finalists, receive scripts for another Covergirl commercial.

In her Covergirl photoshoot, Nicole looked ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.  Nigel said she modeled really well.


Laura struggled with her commercial.  However, Mr. J said she picked her energy up and made each take bubbly.  She slipped up a lot, but managed to put an OK commercial together.

Laura's final film

Of course, Nicole also struggled with her commercial.  Mr. J said she sounded snotty and stuck up.  This really threw her off her game.

Next, Ann Shoket and the Seventeen magazine (wooohoooo–> sarcasm intended) crew show up to get their cover shots!

Next up, RUNWAY SHOW.  As the girls practice their walks in the house, I can’t help but laugh.  They both suck.

Tyra does her one on ones with the girls.  She makes Nicole feel even more awkward for being that girl that cries in the bathroom.  Laura starts crying.  Blah blah blah.  Small town blah blah dyslexia blah blah country blah blah grandma…

WHAT?  Erin, Brittany, Sundai, and Jennifer will also be walking in the final Julia Clancy fashion show.  (So they can get seen and booked too?  How lame.  Winners don’t feel so special anymore…)  Consensus is that the eliminated petites want Laura to win.  The crowd is packed in, the girls are covered in glitter, and we’re ready to go!  (I’m really kinda digging the dewy, glistening, glittery look.)

Here’s my EXPERT opinion on the walking.  Nicole walks like she’s pissed.  Moving her shoulders all around like she’s skulking or stalking or something.  Laura walks like she’s cruising the mall.  There’s no power in her legs.  She looks like she’s just trying not to trip.  Then, they put sheets over the girls heads and send them out into the wind.  Sexy.  Except not really.  Also you can’t see the dresses.  Whose idea was that?  Then they send the girls out into the rain, created by sprinklers over the runway.  They look horrible with all that mascara running down their faces.  Like skeletal raccoons.

Tyra says the girls did good.  I did not think they were good.  Also, the girls don’t redo their makeup before going to the final judging.  They still look like wet raccoons.  Poor choice, Tyra.  Tyra calls Nicole’s skulky walk a signature walk.  I just think she looked awful.  In the commercial, Laura looked so forced.  Nicole was gorgeous.  Clearly, Laura is not a spokesmodel.  She needs to enunciate.  Nicole was very natural, but Tyra said she forgot to model.  (Whatever, she still looked SMOKING hot.)  Much to my chagrin, I really grew to like our final two shorties throughout the season.  I wish them the best as they start their careers.

It’s all come down to this.  Tyra says this has been a long and beautiful journey.  Blah  blah blah.  America’s next top model is…

Oh, Tyra. So so so so so so so so crazy


Short dorks everywhere rejoice that they now have representation on the runway.  I’m sure they were really concerned.

Also, keep in mind, loyal readers, that new cycles of top model seem to come around every other month or so.  You won’t be deprived of Tyra’s crazy antics for long.

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Hula “Dancers”: ANTM (S13: E12)

Posted by CJ Cregg on November 15, 2009

America's Next Top Model

Learning to break it down in hip hop hula.

Sorry for the late post, I was in Chicago at a conference.  Honing my critical skills actually.  Better to bring you snark and reviews with, my dears.

The girls meet some hula dancers.  They’re supposed to tell stories of their lives using traditional and modernized (hip hop) hula dance.  Wow Nicole is awkward.  Erin the cheerleader is emerging as the frontrunner, and it’s really pissing the other girls off because she condescendingly tries to teach them to dance.  During their performance, Erin was fine, but she didn’t seem that much better than the rest.  (Jennifer: I bet Laura gets freaky at da club.  Cuz she has some hips and she knows how to use ’em.)  Nicole was a disaster.  It’s one thing to be a bad dancer, but seriously it was like she wasn’t even trying or wasn’t even there when they were learning.  She was backwards when she was supposed to be forwards and turned to the left when she was supposed to go right.  Nice to know our clear frontrunner for the competition has a weakness.  And a hilarious one to boot.  LAURA WINS!  (She drops to her knees and says ‘thank you Jesus!’)  She wins a five day trip back to Hawaii for sun and spa.  Erin’s PISSED because she was all helpful, and she didn’t win.  My money’s on her getting all angry and up in her head so she’ll collapse in the photo shoot.  Cuz you know, she’s done that the last 3 weeks in a row.  And her face always looks angry in all her pictures anyway, so this won’t help.

For their photo shoot, the girls are dressing like the Hawaiian volcano goddess with the waves crashing in the background.  They learn two girls are going home.  Duh duh DUH!  Erin pretty much knows she’s toast at this point.  Jennifer’s catching fish in her mouth she let her jaw drop so far.  Attractive, Jennifer.

They don’t really look like goddesses.  They look like girls in beach gear.  Also, no crashing waves.  Standing on rocks.  Lame last photo shoot, Tyra.  Jennifer did not have a great shoot.  (Which is lame cuz I like her, although I think she and Erin are the weakest.)  Nicole rocked it and nailed just about every picture.  Good thing cuz the girl can’t dance.  She’s definitely safe.  Laura freaked out because of the pressure so she didn’t have a great shoot either.  (Mr. J: Did you drink last night?  It looked a little boozy.)  Erin looked angry so she said she started thinking of a pop song “that all the teenagers listen to.”  (Said as if she’s not actually a teenager…)  Tyra cues another horrible autotuned song to play in the background to mimic what’s happening in Erin’s head.

After the Tyra mail saying they’ll meet with the judges and only two of them will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s next top model, Laura says “there’ll be a lot of praying tonight.”

In other news, Jennifer’s crazy eye is looking especially crazy in her interview shots.

Tyra tells the girls at judging that the top two will be walking in a Julia Clancy fashion show as their final challenge.  (Why is the final challenge always a runway show?  They never practice runway on the show and most of them can’t walk and just end up embarrassing themselves.)

Erin looked creepy and pale, but the judges liked her picture.  Her face looked totally dead to me.  She’s dead to me.

America's Next Top Model

At least she's pointing her toes, but I don't think Hawaiian goddesses are this pale.

Jennifer’s picture was pretty, but she looked a bit stiff.  On second viewing, really really stiff.

America's Next Top Model

Catching fish in the mouth again

Laura looks a mess during the judging.  White t-shirt and shorts?  Does she think she’s on the farm?  She looks terrified in her photo, but the judges are right that she has a lot of different faces to work with.

America's Next Top Model

Kinda looks like she's about to do some squats

Nicole’s picture was unique, tender, and mysterious.  Definitely my favorite photo of the week.

America's Next Top Model

A demure goddess

Best picture?  Nicole hands down.  I think Nicole and Laura are our final two.

What is with these tapered pants Tyra has been wearing all season?  She looks a fool. Today, she’s wearing what looks like an 80s jump suit of long underwear material.

Nicole is our first finalist (who called it?)  Guess it doesn’t matter that she can’t hula her way out of a paper bag.  Laura is our second finalist.  (Again, I’m good.)  I’m sad to see Jennifer go.  I really liked her.  Crazy eye and all.

Next week, Nicole and Laura will compete to see who is America’s Next Top Tiny Model.  Be there or be actually having good taste in television.

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